Monday, June 29, 2020

One of Ours by Willa Cather

There are no frontiers left for Claude Wheeler.

Claude knew, and everybody else knew, seemingly, that there was something wrong with him. He had been unable to conceal his discontent. Mr. Wheeler was afraid he was one of those visionary fellows who make unnecessary difficulties for themselves and other people. Mrs. Wheeler thought the trouble with her son was that he had not yet found his Saviour. Bayliss was convinced that his brother was a moral rebel, that behind his reticence and his guarded manner he concealed the most dangerous opinions. The neighbours liked Claude, but they laughed at him, and said it was a good thing his father was well fixed. Claude was aware that his energy, instead of accomplishing something, was spent in resisting unalterable conditions, and in unavailing efforts to subdue his own nature. When he thought he had at last got himself in hand, a moment would undo the work of days; in a flash he would be transformed from a wooden post into a living boy. He would spring to his feet, turn over quickly in bed, or stop short in his walk, because the old belief flashed up in him with an intense kind of hope, and intense kind of pain, -- the conviction that there was something splendid about life, if he could but find it!

Like any American worth his salt, he is a young man of destiny, but without a proper canvas to paint it on. He can feel it, deep within him, but he can’t see it, and therefore cannot understand really what the feeling within him is.

And he is not alone. He is but one of a whole generation of young American men closed off from any frontier like the ones that had defined their fathers and grandfathers.

He wondered this afternoon how many discouraged young men had sat here on the State House steps and watched the sun go down behind the mountains. Every one was always saying it was a fine thing to be young; but it was a painful thing, too. He didn’t believe older people were ever so wretched. Over there, in the golden light, the mass of mountains were splitting up into four distinct ranges, and as the sun dropped lower the peaks emerged in perspective, one behind the other. It was a lonely splendour that only made the ache in his breast the stronger. What was the matter with him, he asked himself entreatingly. He must answer that question before he went home again.

The statue of Kit Carson on horseback, down in the Square, pointed Westward; but there was no West, in that sense, any more. There was still South America; perhaps he could find something below the Isthmus. Here the sky was like a lid shut down over the world; his mother could see saints and martyrs behind it.

Well, in time he would get over all this, he supposed. Even his father had been restless as a young man, and had run away into a new country. It was a storm that dies down at last, -- but what a pity not to do anything with it! A waste of power -- for it was a kind of power; he sprang to his feet and stood frowning against the ruddy light, so deep in his own struggling thoughts that he did not notice a man, mounting from the lower terraces, who stopped to look at him.

The stranger scrutinized Claude with interest. He saw a young man standing bareheaded on the long flight of steps, his fists clenched in an attitude of arrested action, -- his sandy hair, his tanned face, his tense figure copper-coloured in the oblique rays. Claude would have been astonished if he could have known how he seemed to this stranger.

This, then, is the protagonist that Willa Cather presents to us in this, her Pulitzer Prize-winning novel. In many ways, Claude Wheeler comes from the earthy Nebraska soil -- the way Alexandra Bergson and Antonia Shimerda do -- but he is neither enriched nor ennobled by it. For Claude, the world that birthed him is unable to nourish him, taken over, as it appears to have been, by people with a myopic understanding of destiny.

People like Claude’s brother Bayliss -- a successful businessman who has successfully navigated the contours of success in this new America in a way Claude never will. Cather has a fair amount of scorn to share for men like Bayliss Wheeler, and although she puts the following thoughts in the head of one of her characters, it isn’t hard here or throughout the novel to hear Cather’s own indictment of small-minded businessmen.

She had worked out a misty philosophy for herself, full of strong convictions and confused figures. She believed that all things which might make the world beautiful -- love and kindness, leisure and art -- were shut up in prison, and that successful men like Bayliss Wheeler held the keys. The generous ones, who would let these things out to make people happy, were somehow weak, and could not break the bars.

But Claude does not see any of this complexity. Instead, he tries to fit himself into the world that’s presented to him. Going to school, getting a job, marrying a suitable woman -- as he struggles to fit himself into these and other windowless boxes of expectation, he is incapable of seeing the failure inherent in his attempt.

And no one can tell him. Even his soon-to-be father-in-law, and man of experience and the conquests of an earlier generation, cannot instruct Claude, cannot communicate what it is that helped him find success and which might work for Claude.

He found himself absolutely unable to touch upon the vast body of experience he wished to communicate to Claude. It lay in his chest like a physical misery, and the desire to speak struggled there. But he had no words, no way to make himself understood. He had no argument to present. What he wanted to do was to hold up life as he had found it, like a picture, to his young friend; to warn him, without explanation, against certain heart-breaking disappointments. It could not be done, he saw. The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young. The only way that Claude could ever come to share his secret, was to live.

It is a tragedy waiting to manifest itself. When his faux life comes apart, when his wife leaves, not him, per se, but leaves to follow her own kind of destiny as a missionary in China, much of what Claude has tried to build up around him comes tumbling down.

How inherently mournful and ugly such objects were, when the feeling that had made them precious no longer existed! The debris of human life was more worthless and ugly than the dead and decaying things in nature. Rubbish … junk … his mind could not picture anything that so exposed and condemned all the dreary, weary, ever-repeated actions by which life is continued from day to day. Actions without meaning. … As he looked out and saw the grey landscape through the gently falling snow, he could not help thinking how much better it would be if people could go to sleep like the fields; could be blanketed down under the snow, to wake with their hurts healed and their defeats forgotten. He wondered how he was to do on through the years ahead of him, unless he could get rid of this sick feeling in his soul.

Cather really touched me here, because I have felt the angry weariness of life that Claude Wheeler here feels at the end of his rope. At a low point in my life, I distinctly remember looking around at all the objects that had defined me for so long and rebelling against them as the empty vessels that they were. I was able to climb out of that pit and re-establish my relationship to the world around me, but Claude will continue to struggle.

Struggle, that is, until he runs off to war.

In the novel it is the First World War -- that colossal crime against man and his highest aspirations -- but in it, Claude finds a different pattern for life than the one offered him by his parents and his community. It is a realization that comes over Claude slowly, and first in the simple process of movement, of traveling beyond the confines of the world as he thought he knew it.

Claude seemed to himself to be leading a double life these days. When we was working over Fanning, or was down in the hold helping to take care of the sick soldiers, he had no time to think, -- did mechanically the next things that came to hand. But when he had an hour to himself on deck, the tingling sense of ever-widening freedom flashed up in him again. The weather was a continual adventure; he had never known any like it before. The fog, and rain, the grey sky and the lonely grey stretches of the ocean were like something he had imagined long ago -- memories of old sea stories read in childhood, perhaps -- and they kindled a warm spot in his heart. Here on the Anchises he seemed to begin where childhood had left off. The ugly hiatus between had closed up. Years of his life were blotted out in the fog. This fog which had been at first depressing had become a shelter; a tent moving through space, hiding one from all that had been before, giving one a chance to correct one’s ideas about life and to plan the future. The past was physically shut off; that was his illusion. He had already travelled a great many more miles than were told off by the ship’s log.

It erases his past and lets him begin anew. Claude senses this early on, but only comes to a concrete understanding of it near the end of the novel.

He has already been to the front, and now, in a break away from the action, Claude and his soldier friend David, who, in civilian life, is a violinist, are staying with a bucolic French family. At one point, David performs a piece with the matriarch of the family. It’s a sentimental piece for the French family -- the last piece played by Rene, a son, now lost at the front, before leaving for the war. And Claude finds himself jealous of the talent displayed.

The music was a part of his own confused emotions. He was torn between generous admiration, and bitter, bitter envy. What would it mean to be able to do anything as well as that, to have a hand capable of delicacy and precision and power? If he had been taught to do anything at all, he would not be sitting here tonight a wooden thing amongst living people. He felt that a man might have been made of him, but nobody had taken the trouble to do it; tongue-tied, foot-tied, hand-tied. If one were born into this world like a bear cub or a bull calf, one could only paw and upset things, break and destroy, all one’s life.

He knows again that his life has been this. Unformed. And he yearns for something more. Something beautiful and tragic to aim himself at. But what? Later, after the performance, Claude and David talk.

“I guess you’ll go back to your profession, all right,” Claude remarked, in the unnatural tone in which people sometimes speak of things they know nothing about.

“Not I. Of course, I had to play for them. Music has always been like a religion in this house. Listen,” he put up his hand; far away the regular pulsation of the big guns sounded through the still night. “That’s all that matters now. It has killed everything else.”

“I don’t believe it.” Claude stopped for a moment by the edge of the fountain, trying to collect his thoughts. “I don’t believe it has killed anything. It has only scattered things.” He glanced about hurriedly at the sleeping house, the sleeping garden, the clear, starry sky not very far overhead. “It’s men like you that get the worst of it,” he broke out. “But as for me, I never knew there was anything worth living for, till this war came on. Before that, the world seemed like a business proposition.”

Did you catch that? For David, who had an ideal to his life, the war is pure destruction. It destroys everything previously worth living for. But for Claude, who has no ideal, the destructive force of the war has the opposite effect. In turning over the soil of possibility, it has revealed furrows in which Claude can plant the seeds of a new life.

And later that night, alone in bed and unable to sleep, Claude puts this difficult idea into a context he can finally understand and act on.

The intervals of the distant artillery fire grew shorter, as if the big guns were tuning up, choking to get something out. Claude sat up in his bed and listened. The sound of the guns had from the first been pleasant to him, had given him a feeling of confidence and safety; tonight he knew why. What they said was, that men could still die for an idea; and would burn all they had made to keep their dreams. He knew the future of the world was safe; the careful planners would never be able to put it into a strait-jacket, -- cunning and prudence would never have it to themselves. … Ideals were not archaic things, beautiful and impotent; they were the real sources of power among men. As long as that was true, and now he knew it was true -- he had come all this way to find out -- he had no quarrel with Destiny. Nor did he envy David. He would give his own adventure for no man’s. On the edge of sleep it seemed to glimmer, like the clear column of the fountain, like the new moon, -- alluring, half-averted, the bright face of danger.

The bright face of danger. An interesting choice of words for Cather, who has written extensively about youth and the “bright medusa.” Does facing danger then becomes Claude’s ideal, the thing worth dying for, the thing through which his own adventure can create both passion and meaning for him?

It would seem so, and I think that’s why the novel falls flat for me at the end. The war may be the thing that helped Claude understand his place in the world. But the ideals of war -- especially the First World War -- pale in comparison, not just to David’s sublime music, but even to the humble scraping together of life Claude was offered at his birth.

Rather than see heroism in Claude’s death, I’d rather view the novel’s end as a call to action for the reader. Like Claude, we all have the ability to begin our lives again, this time on our own terms. Knowing that we can die for an ideal -- and that, indeed, this is the only kind of death that makes life worth living -- we are called to make the difficult and daunting choice of determining our own ideals. I will live for this, will fight for it, and even, if necessary, die for it -- but what is it? What is the ideal that I believe is worth dying for?

At the beginning and again at the end, there no frontiers left for Claude Wheeler. But there are, and always will be for us.

+ + +

This post first appeared on Eric Lanke's blog, an association executive and author. You can follow him on Twitter @ericlanke or contact him at eric.lanke@gmail.com.



Monday, June 22, 2020

Dragons - Chapter 39 (DRAFT)

By the time we got there it was closer to thirty minutes later. And it definitely was we. Despite the bet-hedging I tried to do on the phone with Caroline, I never even considered asking Bethany not to come with me.

Club NOW was not at all what I expected. No line to get in. No cover charge. No dance floor with neon uplights. No beautiful Cuban women. It did have the pulsating dance music that had drowned out my conversation with Caroline, but with its oak paneling, worn carpeting, and fabric-draped lampshades it looked more like my uncle’s basement bar than a Miami Beach nightclub.

Caroline was sitting on a single chair just inside the front entrance, her head hanging down and sipping something clear and carbonated through a straw. Beside her stood a large, muscular man in a tight polo shirt. He caught me looking at Caroline as we entered the club.

“Are you Alan?” he asked me.

At the mention of my name Caroline looked up hopefully, and practically sprang out of the chair upon recognizing me.

“Yes,” I said to the man I assumed was the bouncer and extended a hand to Caroline, allowing her to clasp it desperately rather than wrap me up in some kind of bear hug.

The bouncer turned politely to Caroline. “Is everything all right now, miss?”

Caroline nodded, turning her body in towards mine. “Yes,” she said quietly, too quietly, I thought, for the bouncer to hear her. “Yes, thank you.”

Bethany came up and stood on the other side of Caroline, placing a caring hand on her shoulder. Bethany was not much younger than me, and Caroline not much younger than that, but still, standing there, I couldn’t help feeling like we were her parents, come to rescue her from a car date gone horribly wrong.

“All right,” the bouncer said. “You all take care then.”

“What happened?” I asked him as he turned to go, worried that Caroline would never tell me.

He shrugged his massive shoulders. “I don’t know. She never told me.”

“Let’s go,” Caroline said quietly, leaning in close, practically whispering in my ear.

The bouncer returned to his regular duties and we stepped out into the warm night air. Just being outside seemed to revive Caroline a little, her voice sounding less trembly and meek.

“Thank you, guys, so much for coming to get me. No one else wanted to leave and I just had to get out of there. I just had to.”

“What was so awful?” I asked, my eyes already scanning up and down the street for an available cab.

“It was Wes.”

It was like a knife in the back, a sucker punch to the midsection, and the rug being pulled out from under me at the same time. My vision blackened and I teetered momentarily on the edge of the curb. In the blackness that surrounded me it felt like I was back in Don’s office, and all I could see were the tears streaming down Caroline’s face and the calculating stare in Amy’s eyes as they fired her.

“Wes Howard?” Bethany questioned, echoing the dark thought forming in my own brain.

“Yes,” Caroline said.

Bethany and I exchanged a pair of uneasy glances. I thought I knew the limit of what he was capable of, but when I looked into her eyes I couldn’t help but wonder if she knew of something even deeper.

“What did he do?” I asked, turning to look at Caroline.

She didn’t answer me.

“Caroline,” I said severely, forgetting all about the cabs whizzing by. “What did he do? Did he... Did he touch you?”

She looked down at her shoes.

“Caroline, honey,” Bethany said soothingly. “You can tell us. We can do something about it. Did Wes do something inappropriate?”

Caroline starting shaking her head. “It’s my fault, really. I didn’t want to come out tonight, but they insisted. They insisted.”

“Don’t do that,” Bethany said angrily, giving Caroline a shake. “Whatever he did, it is not your fault, Caroline. What did he do? Did he touch you?”

Caroline nodded, embarrassed. “He touched us all.”

Bethany and I exchanged another pair of glances, these even darker than before.

“Who?” Bethany said. “Who else did he touch?”

“All of us,” Caroline said, shrugging her shoulders as if having to explain some natural biologic process everyone should already understand. “He can’t keep his hands to himself.”

“Are they still in there?” Bethany asked.

“Yes. Down in the basement. At the karaoke bar.”

Bethany gave me a horrified look. It was filled with equal parts disgust and demand. Do something, it said, as clearly as if she had spoken the words aloud.

I agreed with her imperative. The universe itself demanded that something be done in this ugly circumstance. But what? I didn’t have any idea. And more importantly, was I the guy to do it?

Acting on instinct, I withdrew my hand from Caroline’s and turned her over to Bethany. “Take her back to the hotel,” I said, my voice sounding more confident than I felt. “Get a cab, take her back to her room, and stay there with her until I call you.”

“What are you going to do?”

So she didn’t have any idea either. “I don’t know,” I said, looking back at the door to Club NOW. “Something.”

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“Dragons” is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. For more information, go here.

This post first appeared on Eric Lanke's blog, an association executive and author. You can follow him on Twitter @ericlanke or contact him at eric.lanke@gmail.com.

Image Source
http://lres.com/heres-why-amcs-need-to-pay-close-attention-to-looming-regulatory-changes/businessman-in-the-middle-of-a-labyrinth/

Monday, June 15, 2020

Alexander’s Bridge by Willa Cather

Some call this, Cather’s first published novel, a little clumsy, and I tend to see what they mean. Alexander is Bartley Alexander, a middle-aged construction engineer and well-renowned bridge builder, and his bridge is his latest and most significant project, an immense span over a ravine and river in Canada.

Or is it?

Here’s how we’re introduced to Bartley Alexander. The dialogue is between his wife, Winifred, and an old professor of his.

“I should like to know what he was really like when he was a boy. I don’t believe he remembers,” she said suddenly. “Won’t you smoke, Mr. Wilson?”

Wilson lit a cigarette. “No, I don’t suppose he does. He was never introspective. He was simply the most tremendous response to stimuli I have ever known. We did n’t know exactly what to do with him.”

A servant came in and noiselessly removed the tea-tray. Mrs. Alexander screened her face from the firelight, which was beginning to throw wavering bright spots on her dress and hair as the dusk deepened.

“Of course,” she said, “I now and again hear stories about things that happened when he was in college.”

“But that is n’t what you want.” Wilson wrinkled his brows and looked at her with the smiling familiarity that had come about so quickly. “What you want is a picture of him, standing back there at the other end of twenty years. You want to look down through my memory.”

She dropped her hands in her lap. “Yes, yes; that’s exactly what I want.”

At this moment they heard the front door shut with a jar, and Wilson laughed as Mrs. Alexander rose quickly. “There he is. Away with perspective! No past, no future for Bartley; just the fiery moment. The only moment that ever was or will be in the world!”

A man of the fiery moment, with no past and no future. And while others seem to admire him for this and the success that it has brought him, Bartley’s internal world is much different from their ideal.

He found himself living exactly the kind of life he had determined to escape. What, he asked himself, did he want with these genial honors and substantial comforts? Hardships and difficulties he had carried lightly; overwork had not exhausted him; but this dead calm of middle life which confronted him, -- of that he was afraid. He was not ready for it. It was like being buried alive. In his youth he would not have believed such a thing possible. The one thing he had really wanted all his life was to be free; and there was still something unconquered in him, something besides the strong work-horse that his profession had made of him. He felt rich to-night in the possession of that unstultified survival; in the light of his experience, it was more precious than honors or achievement. In all those busy, successful years there had been nothing so good as this hour of wild light-heartedness. This feeling was the only happiness that was real to him, and such hours were the only ones in which he could feel his own continuous identity -- feel the boy he had been in the rough days of the old West, feel the youth who had worked his way across the ocean on a cattle-ship and gone to study in Paris without a dollar in his pocket.

In Bartley’s internal thoughts he lives almost entirely in the past. Indeed…

The man who sat in his offices in Boston was only a powerful machine. Under the activities of that machine the person who, at such moments as this, he felt to be himself, was fading and dying. He remembered how, when he was a little boy and his father called him in the morning, he used to leap from his bed into the full consciousness of himself. That consciousness was Life itself. Whatever took its place, action, reflection, the power of concentrated thought, were only functions of a mechanism useful to society; things that could be bought in the market. There was only one thing that had an absolute value for each individual, and it was just that original impulse, that internal heat, that feeling of one’s self in one’s own breast.

And it is in this state, and in his worldly travels that Bartley meets and becomes re-acquainted with Hilda Burgoyne, a woman now of middle-age like him, but whom he had once loved in his fiery youth.

Bartley looked at Hilda across the yellow light of the candles and broke into a low, happy laugh. “How jolly it was being young, Hilda! Do you remember that first walk we took together in Paris? We walked down to the Place Saint-Michel to buy some lilacs. Do you remember how sweet they smelled?”

“Indeed I do. Come, we’ll have our coffee in the other room, and you can smoke.”

Hilda rose quickly, as if she wished to change the drift of their talk, but Bartley found it pleasant to continue it.

“What a warm, soft spring evening that was,” he went on, as they sat down in the study with the coffee on a little table between them; “and the sky, over the bridges, was just the color of the lilacs. We walked on down by the river, did n’t we?”

Hilda laughed and looked at him questioningly. He saw a gleam in her eyes that he remembered even better than the episode he was recalling.

“I think we did,” she answered demurely. “It was on the Quai we met that woman who was crying so bitterly. I gave her a spray of lilac, I remember, and you gave her a franc. I was frightened at your prodigality.”

“I expect it was the last franc I had. What a strong brown face she had, and very tragic. She looked at us with such despair and longing, out from under her black shawl. What she wanted from us was neither our flowers nor our francs, but just our youth. I remember it touched me so. I would have given her some of mine off my back, if I could. I had enough to spare then,” Bartley mused, and looked thoughtfully at his cigar.

They were both remembering what the woman had said when she took the money: “God give you a happy love!” It was not in the ingratiating tone of the habitual beggar: it had come out of the depths of the poor creature’s sorrow, vibrating with pity for their youth and despair at the terribleness of human life; it had the anguish of a voice of prophecy. Until she spoke, Bartley had not realized that he was in love. The strange woman, and her passionate sentence that rang out so sharply, had frightened them both. They went home sadly with the lilacs, back to the Rue Saint-Jacques, walking very slowly, arm in arm. When they reached the house where Hilda lodged, Bartley went across the court with her, and up the dark old stairs to the third landing; and there he had kissed her for the first time. He had shut his eyes to give him the courage, he remembered, and she had trembled so --

Bartley started when Hilda rang the little bell beside her. “Dear me, why did you do that? I had quite forgotten -- I was back there. I as very jolly,” he murmured lazily, as Marie came in to take away the coffee.

In exactly this way Hilda, I believe, is actually the bridge of the book’s title. She is Alexander’s Bridge, not across space, but back across time. A bridge to a past that Bartley thinks he so desperately needs.

The Vibration of an Unnatural Excitement

But that bridge is fraught with danger. For as he indulges himself, each time he journeys across it and enjoys the powerful pulsation of Life that it offers, he finds it increasingly difficult to return, to resume his life in the present and the security that it offers. The compulsion becomes so real that it takes on a kind of dark presence in Bartley’s life.

Left alone, he paced up and down his study. He was at home again, among all the dear familiar things that spoke to him of so many happy years. His house to-night would be full of charming people, who liked and admired him. Yet all the time, underneath his pleasure and hopefulness and satisfaction, he was conscious of the vibration of an unnatural excitement. Amid this light and warmth and friendliness, he sometimes started and shuddered, as if some one had stepped on his grave. Something had broken loose in him of which he knew nothing except that it was sullen and powerful, and that it wrung and tortured him. Sometimes it came upon him softly, in enervating reveries. Sometimes it battered him like the cannon rolling in the hold of the vessel. Always, now, it brought with it a sense of quickened life, of stimulating danger. To-night it came upon him suddenly, as he was walking the floor, after his wife left him. It seemed impossible; he could not believe it. He glanced entreatingly at the door, as if to call her back. He heard voices in the hall below, and knew that he must go down. Going over to the window, he looked out at the lights across the river. How could this happen here, in his own house, among the things he loved? What was it that reached in out of the darkness and thrilled him? As he stood there he had a feeling that he would never escape. He shut his eyes and pressed his forehead against the cold window glass, breathing in the chill that came through it. “That this,” he groaned, “that this should have happened to me!”

Note the way he looks across the river. He will do this numerous times in the remainder of Cather’s short novel, the author, I believe, conflating the twin bridge metaphors -- the external one across space and the internal one across time. He looks longingly at the span across the river not because he wants to be there, but because he wants to be then, and even he, a character in a novel, cannot resist the power of the author’s comparison.

And, of course, the past is intoxicating, not just to Bartley, but as they continue to relive it as he visits London again and again, to Hilda.

After miles of outlying streets and little gloomy houses, they reached London itself, red and roaring and murky, with a thick dampness coming up from the river, that betokened fog again tomorrow. The streets were full of people who had worked indoors all through the priceless day and had now come hungrily out to drink the muddy lees of it. They stood in long black lines, waiting before the pit entrances of the theatres -- short-coated boys, and girls in sailor hats, all shivering and chatting gayly. There was a blurred rhythm in all the dull city noises -- in the clatter of the cab horses and the rumbling of the buses, in the street calls, and in the undulating tramp, tramp of the crowd. It was like the deep vibration of some vast underground machinery, and like the muffled pulsations of millions of human hearts.

“Seems good to get back, does n’t it?” Bartley whispered, as they drove from Bayswater Road to Oxford Street. “London always makes me want to live more than any other city in the world. You remember our priestess mummy over in the mummy-room, and how we used to long to go and bring her out on nights like this? Three thousand years! Ugh!”

Bartley is referring to antiquities in the British Museum, a place he and Hilda used to frequent when they were young and in love. They talk about places where they might go and have some dinner, and then Bartley asks Hilda if she is not too tired.

“I’m not tired at all. I was just wondering how people can ever die. Why did you remind me of the mummy? Life seems the strongest and most indestructible thing in the world. Do you really believe that all those people rushing about down there, going to good dinners and clubs and theatres, will be dead some day, and not care about anything? I don’t believe it, and I know I shan’t die, ever! You see, I feel too -- too powerful!”

The carriage stopped. Bartley sprang out and swung her quickly to the pavement. As he lifted her in his two hands he whispered: “You are -- powerful!”

Indeed she is. She is a bridge, not just to the past, but to the immortality of youth.

But, of course, it is not to last. In the morality play that all novels of the time must apparently be, Bartley will pay for his indulgence. The dark presence that is his youth exerts greater and greater pressure on him until it forces him to choose between the life he has now and the one he had already lost. In his desperation he writes to Hilda from the comfort of his Boston study, surrounded by the things of his current life which have always given him such happiness.

How is it, I ask myself, that everything can be so different with me when nothing here has changed? I am in my own house, in my own study, in the midst of all these quiet streets where my friends live. They are all safe and at peace with themselves. But I am never at peace. I feel always on the edge of danger and change.

He goes on.

It seems that a man is meant to live only one life in this world. When he tries to live a second, he develops another nature. I feel as if a second man had been grafted into me. At first he seemed only a pleasure-loving simpleton, of whose company I was rather ashamed, and whom I used to hide under my coat when I walked the Embankment, in London. But now he is strong and sullen, and he is fighting for his life at the cost of mine. That is his one activity: to grow strong. No creature ever wanted so much to live. Eventually, I suppose, he will absorb me altogether.

And eventually, it does. Bartley decides to abandon his current life and move permanently to London to be with Hilda and to resume the path of his youth. He pens a pained letter to his wife, but is called away to inspect his bridge project before he can deliver it. With the potential of his decision tucked carefully in an envelope in his breast pocket, he boards a train and begins his journey north.

The train stopped at Allway Mills, then wound two miles up the river, and then the hollow sound under his feet told Bartley that he was on his first bridge again. The bridge seemed longer than it had ever seemed before, and he was glad when he felt the beat of the wheels on the solid roadbed again. He did not like coming and going across that bridge, or remembering the man who built it. And was he, indeed, the same man who used to walk that bridge at night, promising such things to himself and to the stars? And yet, he could remember it all so well: the quiet hills sleeping in the moonlight, the slender skeleton of the bridge reaching out into the river, and up yonder, alone on the hill, the big white house; upstairs, in Winifred’s window, the light that told him she was still awake and still thinking of him. And after the light went out he walked alone, taking the heavens into his confidence, unable to tear himself away from the white magic of the night, unwilling to sleep because longing was so sweet to him, and because, for the first time since first the hills were hung with moonlight, there was a lover in the world. And always there was the sound of the rushing water underneath, the sound which, more than anything else, meant death; the wearing away of things under the impact of physical forces which men could direct but never circumvent or diminish. Then, in the exaltation of love, more than ever it seemed to him to mean death, the only other thing as strong as love. Under the moon, under the cold, splendid stars, there were only those two things awake and sleepless; death and love, the rushing river and his burning heart.

There is more. The bridge he has been sent to inspect collapses and Bartley and countless others die, but this passage seems more like the climax of the novel -- or if not its climax, then at least its essence. Because the forces that Bartley is wrestling with -- those of death and love, the rushing river and his burning heart -- are, in the end, unresolvable. They subsume the struggle that is the wrenching of meaning out of life, either one just begun or one already half-lived.

Is that clumsy? In a way, I guess it is.

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This post first appeared on Eric Lanke's blog, an association executive and author. You can follow him on Twitter @ericlanke or contact him at eric.lanke@gmail.com.


Monday, June 8, 2020

Dragons - Chapter 38 (DRAFT)

BBRRIINNGGGGG!!!

I was leaning up against the wall of the beach hut, my arm wrapped around Bethany and my thoughts a million miles away. It was my phone ringing again, but I didn’t want to answer it. I didn’t want anything to disturb this moment of serenity. It was stolen, sure, it didn’t belong to me, it didn’t belong to either of us, but somehow we had found it and made it real. I closed my eyes and tried to will the phone to be silent.

On the third ring, Bethany, whose ear was a lot closer to the noise than mine was, fished a slender hand into my pants pocket and used her nimble fingers to extract it from its cotton cocoon. I felt her probing in places she may not have intended and it sent a shiver up my spine.

Bethany held the phone up for us both to see, its tiny screen glowing brightly in the dark night.

“It’s Caroline,” she said aloud.

“Who?” I asked, my mind still not willing to connect the dots of my actual existence.

“Caroline Abernathy,” Bethany said, and began moving as if she meant to answer the phone, but held it higher for me to take instead.

“Hello?” I said sleepily, pressing the phone against my ear.

“Alan?!”

There was a frantic tone in Caroline’s voice, and she was shouting to make herself heard over some pulsating dance music.

“Yes?”

“Oh my god, Alan! Where are you? I need you to come get me. Will you please come get me?”

Now there was more than frenzy in her voice, there was fear, and it snapped me back to reality. I sat quickly forward, withdrawing my arm from around Bethany’s waist, and pushing her unconsciously aside.

“Where are you?” I said. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know where I am!” Caroline screamed in my ear. “At some club, they dragged me here, I didn’t want to come, and now I want to go home!”

Caroline was incoherent, her voice loud enough for Bethany to hear it, and now she looked at me with great worry and concern.

“Caroline,” I said as calmly as I could. “Slow down. Where are you?”

“I tell you...I don’t know...where I am!”

She was crying now, full throated sobs punctuating her speech.

“Ask someone,” I said insistently, fearing that she was in trouble, and feeling, surreally, like it was Jacob that I needed to rescue.

“What?!”

No, not Jacob. Crazy Horse. My unborn daughter. But she wasn’t in any danger, was she? She was still safe in her mother’s womb.

“Isn’t there someone you can ask? A bartender? Find out where you are and we’ll come get you.”

“Oh!” Caroline said long before I finished, probably missing my slanted reference to Bethany being with me. “Right! Hold on!”

The club noise got louder as the phone fell away from her face, and I could faintly hear her screaming her question to someone nearby.

“Is she all right?” Bethany asked me during the pause.

“I don’t know,” I replied, not having time for anything else before Caroline was back on the line, her voice hot, desperate, and lost.

“It’s called Club NOW. Club NOW! Do you know where that is?”

“I’ll find it,” I said, being sure to use the right pronoun this time. “Just stay put until I get there.” I quickly calculated the time it would take us to get off the beach, flag down a cab, and get to the place where all the nightclubs were. “Give me twenty minutes.”

“Can you hurry? Please, Alan?”

“Are you all right?” I asked her pointedly, worried about the abject tone in her voice.

“Just hurry, please. I really need to get out of here.”

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“Dragons” is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. For more information, go here.

This post first appeared on Eric Lanke's blog, an association executive and author. You can follow him on Twitter @ericlanke or contact him at eric.lanke@gmail.com.

Image Source
http://lres.com/heres-why-amcs-need-to-pay-close-attention-to-looming-regulatory-changes/businessman-in-the-middle-of-a-labyrinth/

Monday, June 1, 2020

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast by Lewis Wolpert

This was a frustrating read. In alignment with its subtitle, the author tries to explain “the evolutionary origins of belief,” essentially, why humans believe (sometimes correctly and sometimes incorrectly) that one thing causes another.

In doing so, the author comes up with a hypothesis. It was the rise of tool making in early humans that gave us this system of “causal” beliefs. To make effective and ever more complicated tools, the author seems to argue, we needed to understand and correctly predict that one thing causes another, an awareness that we then mapped onto all aspects of the world around us.

The evolution of the skills for tool making and the use of tools, together with language, opened up a whole new set of mental operations. Humans were now thinking about the causes involved in all sorts of activities: hunting, food gathering, social relationships, illness, probably dreams, and even life and death itself. This, I am proposing, is the origin of what we now call beliefs.

But maybe, assuming Wolpert is even in the right ballpark, it’s not tools that gave rise to beliefs, instead it’s beliefs that gave rise to tools. Or some unidentified third thing that gave rise to both beliefs and tools at the same time. It’s never very clear which is the chicken and which is the egg, and the author actually does very little to make such distinctions clear.

I must admit that the transition from understanding cause and effect in relation to tool use, to trying to understand the weather and death, is not easy to explain, and probably requires creative thinking. It is possible that the evolution of consciousness and language could have been involved. It has been argued that people experience consciousness because they are aware of their own casual actions.

What what that I said about some unidentified third thing?

The problem is pretty much that Wolpert admits this fuzziness. So although he claims again and again that he has made an argument, he never cites any actual evidence in support of his claim. Instead, he makes two hundred pages of interesting observations, few of which seem to cohere into any plausible mechanism that explains his hypothesis.

And worse, sometimes he just makes assertions.

I think that religious beliefs were adaptive for two main reasons: they provided explanations for important events, and offered prayer as a way of dealing with difficulties. Those with such beliefs most likely did better, and so were selected for.

Were they? I don’t know. And I don’t think Wolpert does either.

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This post first appeared on Eric Lanke's blog, an association executive and author. You can follow him on Twitter @ericlanke or contact him at eric.lanke@gmail.com.