Monday, March 28, 2022

Dragons - Chapter 84 (DRAFT)

I threw the phone on the bed and rush-stumbled my way into the bathroom, really thinking I was going to vomit. I shut the door and crouched down beside the toilet like I had done earlier in the day in the office, except the toilet in my own house wasn’t cleaned as regularly, and the familiar but sickening smells made me retch immediately. In an instant I was willing it, embracing it, giving myself over to it. Yes. Yes! Get the sickness out, push it out, purge it, now and forever. But still, nothing would come up but phlegm and stomach acid, stinging my lips and dripping uselessly into the bowl.

“Alan? Are you all right? Alan?”

It was Jenny, gently tapping at my bathroom door.

“Yes,” I said, coughing, spitting, drooling. “Yes, I’m all right. Just felt like I had to throw up again.”

It was a lie and the truth at the same time, exactly the kind of strange dichotomy that had characterized so much of our marriage. I pulled down the toilet seat, knowing that it was likely to be cleaner than the rim of the bowl, and laid my head down upon it.

“Do you need anything?”

“No,” I said. “No. I’ll be okay. Just give me a few minutes.”

“There’s still time to make that doctor’s appointment. If you’re feeling up to it.”

What? A doctor’s appointment? When? What time is it now? Should I? Shouldn’t I? Could I?

“Alan?”

Fuck. “Just give me a few minutes, okay?”

There was no response from Jenny, but I watched as her shadow moved away from the light at the bottom of the door.

“Where’s Daddy?” I heard Jacob say distantly, a frightened curiosity in his voice.

“He’s in the bathroom, honey. Come on, let’s go watch one of your videos.”

When they were clearly gone, I lifted my head up and sat back against the bathroom wall. I didn’t know what I was feeling, but it wasn’t good. I didn’t think I was going to throw up anymore, but I wasn’t entirely sure. Regardless, I had no compelling desire to get up and go back to whatever it was that was waiting for me on the other side of the bathroom door. Sitting there, still in my work shirt, rumpled slacks, and loose socks, I entertained the idea that I would simply sit there forever, wedged between the toilet bowl and the small laundry basket filled with Jacob’s bath toys. They included a set of squeezy animals that were designed to take in water and then spit it out in a steady stream from a tiny hole in their mouths. There was a hippo, a frog, a fish, and a turtle, each a different color but each obviously rendered in the same design program and birthed on the same injection molding machine. I plucked the turtle out from the basket, the yellow paint on some segments of its shell long since flaked off to reveal the unblemished orange rubber beneath.

A long time ago, when Jacob was just able to sit up unassisted in the bathtub, I remember playfully giving each of these little animals a name -- Henry Hippo and Freddy Frog -- but now, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what they had been. As I held the nameless turtle up and examined it closely, it seemed to smile back at me, keeping the secret of its identity to itself. When I squeezed him, a few drops of mildewy water bubbled out of his face.

So Wes Howard thought I was sleeping with Bethany Bishop. In my addled state, I started to obsess over that, desperate to figure out how he had come to that conclusion. I’ve seen the two of you together, he had said, but where? I tried to think of all the times that the three of us had been in the same room together, and was able to conjure up only a tiny number of instances -- all of them in some kind of work setting, and none of them where it had only been the three of us alone. The idea that I had someone signaled with my behavior that Bethany and I were sleeping together in one of those situations seemed impossible for me to believe -- especially since Bethany and I were not, in fact, sleeping with each other.

Yes, I’m sure. What kind of question is that? Wouldn’t I remember if I was sleeping with Bethany? Geez.

No, I had done nothing to give Wes the idea, so someone must have told him. Someone with an axe to grind against me. That seemed a lot more plausible. Because Bethany and I were friendly with one another. At least until recently, we had been friends, and now I realized that there were any number of times that people from the office would have seen us being friendly to one another. I thought of all the lunches we had had together in the Cellar -- sitting by ourselves but in full view of others. All the times I had innocently held her chair for her, or retrieved some forgotten item for her, or touched her hand as we talked about our lives and our marriages.

Who? Who would want to start such a rumor against me? I started running through a Rogue’s Gallery in my mind, seeing each of their faces in the bright bathroom air and, with each appearance, the fanciful reason why they might want to sabotage me, each probably more ludicrous than the last. Gerald Kreiger: angry at the way I had torpedoed his client-stealing scheme. Michael Lopez: angry at the way I had humiliated him in front of the others. Susan Sanford: angry at the way I had refused to protect her and her team from Wes’s predations. Amy Crawford: angry at the way I had gotten her fired. Mary Walton: angry at the way I had failed her and hoping to drive me into an early grave. Bethany Bishop: angry at the way I had started to shun her and--

My thoughts stopped in midstream. Not me, I realized suddenly. Everyone in the gallery probably hated me and would love to see me fail, but what if the rumor hadn’t been started to destroy me? What if it had been started to destroy Bethany. And what if Wes had started it himself?

“Wait a minute,” I said out loud to the squeezy turtle. “Does that make any sense at all?”

The turtle smiled cryptically back but said nothing.

Bethany had said that Wes was spreading rumors about her, talking to the junior members of her team about her, but had not told me what those rumors were. If, like Susan, Bethany was standing between Wes’s meat hooks and the young women that worked for her, it would fit Wes’s pattern to start spreading rumors about her. With Susan, it had been about her incompetence and her prudishness. With Bethany, could it be about her infidelity and sluttiness?

But if it was Wes who started such a rumor, why would he tell me about it? When he spoke to me, he certainly sounded like he believed it, not at all like he knew that he had made it up. Or was that part of his plan?

Ugh. I threw the turtle across the room, and he bounced mindlessly off the back of the door and landed on the floor under our pedestal sink -- exactly the hard to reach place that everything dropped on our bathroom floor seemed to end up. I buried my face in my hands. What the fuck was going on? And what was I going to do?

Whoever had started the rumor, Wes Howard was now using it to blackmail me into doing his bidding. It wasn’t true, but evidently that didn’t matter. Even if Wes knew it wasn’t true, what would stop him from telling Mary -- or Jenny -- that it was true? He certainly had no scruples when it came to this kind of thing. One way or the other, he was going to get his way, and the only thing I had to do was play along.

But with what, exactly? What was it that Wes wanted me to play ball on? A bunch of meaningless committee appointments? Who cares? Did it really matter if Neil Richards or Kathleen Meyer was the chair of the Bylaws Committee? It certainly didn’t matter to me.

You know it’s not going to end there.

I looked up, thinking wildly for an instant that someone else had spoken. I looked over to where the turtle had landed, and I could just see his laugh-lined eye peering at me from behind the porcelain.

No, it’s not. It’s going to start with committee appointments, but it’s going to progress to other things. What other things? Anything illegal? Immoral? 

I rubbed my eyes, trying to blot out the images that had arisen -- ridiculous, yet oddly compelling things that a man as unprincipled at Wes Howard could try to involve me in, could try to use me and the organization I worked for to give him access to. They weren’t hard to imagine. They fell into the three essential categories of the corrupt: money, women, and power -- things like embezzlement, like sex trafficking, like ritual murder. I didn’t know where I could draw a line. Everything seemed completely unbelievable and entirely possible at the same time.

Tap, tap, tap.

“Alan? Alan, are you all right, honey?”

It was Jenny, back at the door.

“I’m okay,” I said, lying, and knowing that it wouldn’t be the last one I told her. Most of me wanted to tell her -- wanted to get in front of the lie rather than risk having her hear it from Wes -- but some small piece of me wasn’t up to it. At least not then.

“I really think you should keep that doctor’s appointment,” Jenny said, lovingly. “If you’re feeling up to it, that is.”

I considered my options. I was feeling sick to my stomach, but I was certain that had more to do with Wes Howard than any migraine I might or might not have had.

“Yeah, okay,” I said, slowly getting to my feet, and flushing the toilet, mostly for show.

“I’ll drive you,” Jenny said. “If we leave in the next ten minutes we’ll be able to make it.”

I opened the bathroom door, and saw my wife standing there in her bare feet, the worry on her face even more prominent than her pregnant belly.

“Okay,” I said, giving her an awkward hug. “Let me change into something else first.”

+ + +

“Dragons” is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. For more information, go here.

This post first appeared on Eric Lanke's blog, an association executive and author. You can follow him on Twitter @ericlanke or contact him at eric.lanke@gmail.com.

Image Source

http://lres.com/heres-why-amcs-need-to-pay-close-attention-to-looming-regulatory-changes/businessman-in-the-middle-of-a-labyrinth/


Monday, March 21, 2022

The Hours by Michael Cunningham

I like to approach fiction fresh, without a lot of backstory or understanding of what the author is attempting. I want to engage with the prose on its own merits, and find what meaning I can, knowing that such meaning will most likely be tempered by my own preferences and predilections. Only after I’ve experienced a novel do I like to find out what other people thought of it, and what the author might have intended.

On this level, The Hours was a mostly satisfying experience. Even without any research, it is immediately clear that it is a novel about another novel and its author -- in this case Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf -- a work and an author, unfortunately, I have little experience with. 

But there are three characters, each in a different time and place, and each experiencing something similar. There is Virginia Woolf herself, in the 1920s, beginning to write Mrs. Dalloway itself, featuring a character named Clarissa Dalloway who, among other things, plans a party; there is Laura Brown, in the 1950s, reading Mrs. Dalloway and trying to make sense of its as she plans a party of her own for her husband; and there is Clarissa Vaughan, in the 1990s, the modern and unironic embodiment of Clarissa Dalloway, also planning a party for ex-lover and friend, a poet named Richard Brown (Laura’s son), who is receiving a literary award.

These characters and their stories are sufficiently intertwined and Cunningham’s prose is sufficiently resonant with their common feelings and inner lives to keep one actively turning the pages, anxious to see what and where things are going to go.

I only learned after finishing the work that The Hours was Woolf’s working title for Mrs. Dalloway, which places even greater emphasis on this, the central metaphor of the three characters and the entire novel. 

He says, “I don’t know if I can face this. You know. The party and the ceremony, and then the hour after that, and the hour after that.”

“You don’t have to go to the party. You don’t have to go to the ceremony. You don’t have to do anything at all.”

“But there are still the hours, aren’t there? One and then another, and you get through that one and then, my god, there’s another. I’m so sick.”

“You have good days still. You know you do.”

“Not really. It’s kind of you to say so, but I’ve felt it for some time now, closing around me like the jaws of a gigantic flower. Isn’t that a peculiar analogy? It feels that way, though. It has a certain vegetable inevitability.”

This is Richard Brown, the poet, who is dying of AIDS, speaking to Clarissa Vaughan, and he sums up his difficulty with the hours in a perfectly understandable way. Pain and sickness can create the situation where any one of us would dread the chronic, inexorable passing of each and every one of them.

But there are other forms of dread.

Kitty looks into her coffee cup with elaborately false, foolish absorption. She seems, briefly, like a simple, ordinary woman seated at a kitchen table. Her magic evaporates; it is possible to see how she’ll look at fifty -- she’ll be fat, mannish, leathery, wry and ironic about her marriage, one of those women of whom people say, ‘She used to be quite pretty, you know.’ The world is already, subtly, beginning to leave her behind. Laura stabs out her cigarette, thinks of lighting another, decides against it. She makes good coffee carelessly; she takes good care of her husband and child; she lives in this house where no one wants, no one owes, no one suffers. She is pregnant with another child. What does it matter is she is neither glamorous nor a paragon of domestic competence?

This is one paragraph of many from all three of the women’s stories -- this one about Laura Brown and her neighbor Kitty -- where they examine the painful ennui of all of their situations, the inexorable passing of each of their hours, and of knowing that none of them measure up to the expectations of their male-dominated environments. For Virginia Woolf, it is an unfulfilled desire to satisfy her literary critics, for Laura Brown it is the gentle but sanctioned demands of her husband and son, and for Clarissa Vaughan it is the famous life that Richard Brown has led since the end of their love affair thirty years ago. Sometimes this ennui borders simply on the melancholy and sometimes on the downright suicidal -- but it is always there, permeating the prose like a lingering miasma -- impossible to ignore, impossible to blow away.

And, significantly, like Mrs. Dalloway, The Hours does end with a suicide, this one of Richard Brown, who allows himself to slip and fall out of his apartment window in the hours before the party Clarissa has planned for him.

She reaches the window in time to see Richard still in flight, his robe billowing, and it seems even now as if it might be a minor accident, something reparable. She sees him touch the ground five floors below, sees him kneel on the concrete, sees his head strike, hears the sound he makes, and yet she believes, at least for another moment, leaning out over the sill, that he will stand up again, groggy perhaps, winded, but still himself, still whole, still able to speak.

It is not to be. Richard is dead. 

She knows even before she descends these last stairs that he is dead. His head is lost among the folds of the robe but she can see the puddle of blood, dark, almost black, that has formed where his head must be. She can see the utter stillness of his body, one arm extended at a peculiar angle, palm up, and both bare legs white and naked as death itself. He is still wearing the gray felt slippers she bought for him.

And in the aura of this irrevocable act, this ultimate solution to the ceaseless progression of his hours, Clarissa, like all the women in the novel -- perhaps, Cunningham wants to say, like all women? -- is struck speechless both by Richard’s courage and by her own inability to similarly act.

It ends here, then, on a pallet of concrete, under the clotheslines, amid shards of glass. She runs her hand gently, down from his shoulder along the frail curve of his back. Guiltily, as if she is doing something forbidden, she leans over and rests her forehead against his spine while it is still, in some way, his; while he is still in some way Richard Worthington Brown. She can smell the stale flannel of the robe, the winey sharpness of his unbathed flesh. She should like to speak to him, but can’t. She simply rests her head, lightly, against his back. If she were able to speak she would say something -- she can’t tell what, exactly -- about how he had had the courage to create, and how, perhaps more important, he has had the courage to love singularly, over the decades, against all reason. She would talk to him about how she herself, Clarissa, loved him in return, loved him enormously, but left him on a street corner over thirty years ago (and, really, what else could she have done?). She would confess her desire for a relatively ordinary life (neither more nor less than what most people desire), and to how much she wanted him to come to her party and exhibit his devotion in front of her guests. She would ask his forgiveness for shying away, on what would prove to be the day of his death, from kissing him on the lips, and for telling herself she did so only for the sake of his health.

Ennui, indeed.

+ + +

This post first appeared on Eric Lanke's blog, an association executive and author. You can follow him on Twitter @ericlanke or contact him at eric.lanke@gmail.com.

Monday, March 14, 2022

Dragons - Chapter 83 (DRAFT)

The call with Wes Howard happened at two. I was under the blanket, with my cell phone lying between my ear and the pillow, my hand holding an unseen pen against an unseen pad of paper, but it happened as it had to. Evidently, as it was fated to.

Before two Jenny returned with some food, a grilled cheese sandwich and a few carrot sticks, but I had to wave it and her away. The very smell made me nauseous. Thank you. I love you. But not now. Take it away. Please, Christ, take it away.

Also before two I had some time to think about a few things.

I thought about Ruthie MacDonald, and the strange shifts in tone she had just used in our phone conversation. Had there been some secret message in there? When she had said “Everyone here is very worried about you,” I remained convinced that she had, in fact, been referring only to Mary, and that “worried about you” was a euphemism for Mary’s rage and disappointment with me. I was a failure in Mary’s eyes, too weak and fragile to even complete a day in the office. But then came “I’m glad you’re feeling better,” and then it had been clear that Ruthie was not just referencing herself, but was, in fact, referencing herself to the specific exclusion of Mary, that she was secretly pulling for me, and that she had my back in whatever final confrontation was looming. Or was I reading too much into it? In my addled state, I had no definitive way of knowing.

I also thought about Paul Webster, and the almost threatening tone that he had taken in our short phone conversation earlier that day. He had known a lot about what was going on in the office, not just the departures of Susan and Michael and, of course, Gerald, but also the way things were piling up on top of me as a result and, likely, the way Mary was using the situation to force me to the point of utter failure. Paul had seemed to offer me a way out, probably similar to the one he had offered Gerald, but there had been something dark and sinister in his words. I didn’t trust him. “If you play your cards right,” he had told me, “you may be the one sitting in that corner office of hers.” That seemed almost farcical to me. A desperate play from the outer darkness. Best ignored. Designed, perhaps, to push me even closer to Mary.

I also thought about Bethany Bishop, and both the gruff interaction we had had that morning in the break room, and the difficult conversation we had had a few days before, when she had said Wes Howard was spreading lies about her, and I had said that Gerald had said some nasty things about me. There had been a time when the two of us would have supported each other against such challenges, but it felt very much like that time had now passed. The two of us had been drifting apart over the last several weeks, and that seemed smart and good from where I was currently sitting, but it left a whole basket of doubts and fears swirling around in the pit of my stomach. Was she going to be the next one to go? And when she did, would the weight of what was left behind crush me once and for all? Those were dark and scary thoughts, but with my call with Wes Howard moments away, I found myself helplessly wondering what kind of lies he had been spreading about her, and whether those lies had anything at all to do with me.

At two, I dialed Wes’s number, and settled back into my cocoon.

“Hello?”

“Wes? It’s Alan Larson calling.”

“Alan! Well, what do you know? We speak at last.”

I had no idea what he meant by that, but I tried to turn the discussion towards the upcoming leadership meeting.

“Straight to business, eh? Well, sure. We can play things that way if you want.”

I didn’t know what other way we could conceivably “play things,” and I didn’t want to. “I heard you had some changes to the committee rosters that we should implement before the meeting.”

“You’re goddamn right I do, Alan. I’ve got a lot of fucking changes I want you to make.”

I had heard about the cursing before -- that Wes was known to use it when almost no one else did -- but even so, it surprised me. It wasn’t just a casual part of his speech pattern. There was something dark and sinister about it, the words punctuating his speech like they thrilled him.

“Uh huh,” I said in response. “What are they?”

He then began to read them off to me. He was obviously referring to the packet of committee rosters I had sent him. I could hear the punctuated flipping of pages as he cast his judgment on the obscenities that he saw before him.

He would begin with something like, “You’ve got Neil Richards coming in as the chair of the Bylaws Committee,” as if putting that particular person in charge of that particular committee had been my idea, and not the result of the slow, inexorable turning of the organization’s wheel of leadership ascension. He then would disparage the person. “Neil Richards couldn’t find his own asshole with both hands and a funnel.” And then he would order a change with a tone of obviousness that clearly questioned the competence of the people around him. “Kathleen Meyer is your gal for the Bylaws Committee. That woman might be the only person in this whole organization who has even read the fucking bylaws.” And, of course, in nine cases out of ten, the person suggested wouldn’t even have experience on the committee Wes was appointing them to lead.

After about three or four of these, I attempted pushing back.

“Wes, William Gilbert isn’t even on the Conference Planning Committee. Maybe you should pick someone with some experience with what the committee does.”

I was greeted with an icy silence.

“Wes?”

“I don’t remember asking for your fucking opinion, Alan. So, did you get that one or not? I said Bill Gilbert to chair the goddamn Conference Planning Committee. All right?”

Okay, then.

Things went on like that for a brutal half hour. During it, I felt able to slowly swim my way back towards full consciousness, almost like Wes’s abuse was exactly the tonic I needed to get over my migraine or whatever the hell it was. Before long I was sitting upright on the edge of my bed, the phone held in the crook of my shoulder while I wrote down my instructions on the pad of paper on my lap. As for instructions, there were a lot of them, far more than I thought I could pull off before next week’s leadership meeting. But I knew better than to give Wes any sense of that.

“Is that all?” I asked when it seemed like Wes was winding down, when I suspected that he had reached the end of the committee roster packet I had sent him. I didn’t tack ‘sir’ on the end of my question, but I made sure that it was implicit in my tone.

“For these stupid committees, yes,” Wes hissed in my ear. “But there is one more thing you and I need to discuss.”

“Uh huh,” I said, acknowledging a fact rather than a true need.

Wes paused. When he spoke, his voice had clearly shifted. “You’re not going to cause me any problems, are you Alan?” The authoritarian was gone, replaced by a sweet-talking manipulator.

“I don’t know what you mean, Wes.” I honestly didn’t know what he meant. What could I do to cause him problems? It took everything I had just to stay out of the way of the problems he was creating.

“Because I could make life very difficult for you,” he said as if not even hearing me, as if he had prepared a script and he was going to finish it before even listening to what I had to say. “I know what’s going on between you and Mrs. Bethany Bishop.”

With the mention of Bethany’s name my mind started racing. What was he saying? What did he think was going on? Is this the lie Bethany was talking about?

“You’ve been a very naughty boy, Alan. Dipping your wick in someone else’s honeypot like that. I wonder what Mary would do if she were to find out? That might cause you a lot of trouble, but not as much, I’ll bet, if your wife was to find out. She’s pregnant, isn’t she. With your second, if I’m not mistaken.”

I was speechless. He thought I was sleeping with Bethany? I knew that wasn’t true, but it was about the last thing I would want him talking to Mary -- or Jenny -- about. In fact, the very idea that he would talk to Jenny -- about anything -- enraged me. Who the hell did this asshole think he was?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Wes,” I said, trying to keep my voice as neutral as possible.

“No use denying it, Alan,” he said. “The truth of it slips out under whatever tight control you think you have. What a fucking amateur you are. I’ve seen the two of you together and, frankly, it disgusts me. With all the young women in that office of yours, why on earth would you choose to fuck old horseface? Do you have to put a bag over her head when you get down to business? I know I would.”

I felt sick, but it wasn’t the migraine returning. I felt sick to my stomach, like I was going to puke and shit at the same time. It suddenly occurred to me to start recording this conversation, and I pulled the phone away from my face, desperately trying to figure out how to make that happen and realizing that I didn’t have a clue.

“Or take her from behind,” I could still hear Wes saying, his voice tinny and small through the phone’s embedded earpiece. “She does have a nice ass, at least. I’ll give her that.”

“Wes,” I said, putting the phone back against my ear. “I have to go now.”

“Sure, sure,” Wes said smoothly. “I understand. I’ve given you a lot to think about. Just don’t think too much. The cards are what they are, and I have the stronger hand. Stay the fuck out of my way, and you can keep fucking whoever you want. I don’t care. But cross me, and I’ll make sure your whole world comes caving in on you. Okay?”

“Okay, Wes.”

“Grand. Let me know if you have any trouble getting a hold of any of my new committee chairs. Most of them will already be expecting your call.”

And with that he hung up, the phone going dead in my hand.


+ + +

“Dragons” is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. For more information, go here.

This post first appeared on Eric Lanke's blog, an association executive and author. You can follow him on Twitter @ericlanke or contact him at eric.lanke@gmail.com.

Image Source

http://lres.com/heres-why-amcs-need-to-pay-close-attention-to-looming-regulatory-changes/businessman-in-the-middle-of-a-labyrinth/


Monday, March 7, 2022

Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak

When reading Doctor Zhivago it is important to remember that it is Russian literature -- and by that I mean it is steeped in the thematic and stylistic conventions most famously formed by Dostoevsky and Tolstoy. Except it was written in the 1950s instead of the 1860s. That alone makes it interesting, but so is what it seems to be saying about Russia, about its revolution, and about the transcendence of the human soul.

Here’s an early clue, placed in the voice of Nikolai Nikolaievich Vedeniapin, the uncle of our titular Doctor Zhivago, an academic philosopher.

“Wait, let me tell you what I think. I think that if the beast who sleeps in man could be held down by threats -- any kind of threat, whether of jail or of retribution after death -- then the highest emblem of humanity would be the lion tamer in the circus with his whip, not the prophet who sacrificed himself. But don’t you see, this is just the point -- what has for centuries raised man above the beast is not the cudgel but an inward music: the irresistible power of unarmed truth, the powerful attraction of its example. It has always been assumed that the most important things in the Gospels are the ethical maxims and commandments. But for me the most important thing is that Christ speaks in parables taken from life, that He explains the truth in terms of everyday reality. The idea that underlies this is that communion between mortals is immortal, and that the whole of life is symbolic because it is meaningful.”

There’s a lot packed into that paragraph. The two most important pieces for my discussion are “the irresistible power of unarmed truth” and “the whole of life is symbolic because it is meaningful.” Let’s try to deal with that second part first.

The Whole of Life Is Symbolic

Doctor Zhivago is a very symbolic novel -- so symbolic that I’m sure most of those symbols are lost on me because of my neophyte understanding of Russian history and the competing political philosophies that drove it.

Here’s the excerpt where this reality really hit home for me. It describes three sisters, “all confirmed spinsters -- but times have changed and so have the girls.”

“The oldest, Avdotia, is librarian at the public library. Dark, pretty, desperately shy, blushes scarlet at the slightest provocation. She has a terrible time at the library. It’s as quiet as the tomb, and the poor girl has a chronic cold -- gets sneezing fits and looks as if she’d like to drop through the floor. All nerves.

“The next one, Glafira Severinovna, is the family’s blessing. Terrific drive, a wonderful worker, doesn’t mind what she does. Livka, Comrade Forester, is supposed to take after her. One day she’s a seamstress or she’s working in a stocking factory, then before you know where you are she’s turned herself into a hairdresser. You saw the woman at the switch, who shook her fist at us? Bless me, I thought, if it isn’t Glafira gone to work on the railway. But I don’t think it was Glafira, she looked too old.

“And then there’s the youngest, Simushka. She’s their cross, she gives them no end of trouble. She’s an educated girl, well read, used to go in for poetry and philosophy. But since the revolution, what with all the general uplift, speeches, demonstrations, she’s become a bit touched in the head, she’s got religious mania. The sisters lock her up when they go to work, but she gets out of the window and off she goes down the street, collecting crowds, preaching the Second Coming and the end of the world.”

The sisters, each of them, are Mother Russia, and their progression mirrors the changes coming to Zhivago’s homeland during the length of the novel. That much seems obvious to me, but I know I probably missed lots of other symbolism in this highly symbolic work.

But, as Pasternak seems to frequently warn the reader, don’t get too carried away with your search for symbolism. Doctor Zhivago is a symbolic novel, the characters representing political philosophies, but they themselves often speak out against such an interpretation. To wit:

“It’s only in mediocre books that people are divided into two camps and have nothing to do with each other. In real life everything gets mixed up! Don’t you think you’d have to be a hopeless nonentity to play only one role all your life, to have only one place in society, always to stand for the same thing?”

And:

“I don’t like purely philosophical works. I think a little philosophy should be added to life and art by way of seasoning, but to make it one’s specialty seems to me as strange as eating nothing but horseradish.”

It is within this cauldron of symbolism and distraction that Pasternak’s characters and his readers will search, sometimes vainly, for the irresistible power of unarmed truth.

The Irresistible Power of Unarmed Truth

Doctor Zhivago, then, is not just a puzzle when it comes to separating fact from symbol, it is also a puzzle when it comes to determining which symbol -- which philosophy -- emerges transcendent. What is unarmed truth? And from whence does it derive its irresistible power? Well, one of the ways to explore those questions is to realize that Doctor Zhivago can be read as a treatise about the conflicting powers of the individual and the collective.

At first, the symbolism of the collective seems preeminent.

“So what will happen to your consciousness? Your consciousness, yours and not anyone else’s? Well, what are you? There’s the point. Let’s try to find out. What is it about you that you have always known as yourself? What are you conscious of in yourself? Your kidneys? Your liver? Your blood vessels? No. However far back you go in your memory, it is always in some external, active manifestation of yourself that you come across your identity -- in the work of your hands, in your family, in other people. And now listen carefully. You in others -- this is your soul. This is what you are. This is what your consciousness has breathed and lived on and enjoyed throughout your life -- your soul, your immortality, your life in others. And what now? You have always been in others and you will remain in others. And what does it matter to you if later on that is called your memory? This will be you -- the you that entered the future and becomes part of it.”

This is the Doctor himself, in conversation with his mother-in-law, who is ill and has just escaped a narrow brush with death. She asks him to comfort her, to address her fears, and he surprises himself by being able to deliver an impromptu lecture, whole and complete.

And in it, he seems to be saying that our individuality is an illusion. That our meaning, any meaning that is worth anything at least, lives in our contributions to the whole, to the world around us and the way we impact it.

Not too many pages later, Zhivago’s mother-in-law will die, and her passing will prompt this inner dialogue, in which he compares his understanding of death today with such that he had ten years previous, when his own mother had died.

When his mother had died ten years earlier he had been a child. He could still remember how he had cried, grief-stricken and terrified. In those days he had not been primarily concerned with himself. He could hardly even realize that such a being as Yura existed on its own or had any value or interest. What mattered then was everything outside and around him. From every side the external world pressed in on him, dense, indisputable, tangible as a forest. And the reason he had been so shaken by his mother’s death was that, at her side, he had lost himself in the forest, suddenly to find her gone and himself alone in it. The forest was made up of everything in the world -- clouds and shop signs and the golden tops of belfries and the bare-headed riders who went as escort before the holy image of the Mother of God carried in a coach. Shop fronts were in it, and arcades, and the inaccessibly high star-studded sky, and the Lord God and the saints.

Here again, is the idea of the individual, lost in the forest of the collective, but now, clearly, Pasternak will tie that collective forest to God.

This inaccessibly high sky once came all the way down to his nursery, as far as his nurse’s skirt when she was talking to him about God; it was close and within reach like the tops of hazel trees and the gullies when you pulled down their branches and picked the nuts. It was as if it dipped into the gilt nursery wash-basin and, having bathed in fire and gold, re-emerged as the morning service or mass at the tiny church where he went with his nurse. There the heavenly stars became the lights before the icons, and the Lord God was a kindly Father, and everything more or less fell into its right place. But the main thing was the real world of grownups and the city that loomed up all around him like a forest. At that time, with the whole of his half-animal faith, Yura believed in God, who was the keeper of that forest.

God is the keeper of the collective. But now, ten years later, Zhivago is an educated doctor, and while he has lost his belief in God, he adamantly maintains his faith in the forest of the collective, even as the individuality of his understanding, the “equal footing” he feels with the universe, comes poking through.

Now it was quite different. In his twelve years at gymnasium and university, Yura had studied the classics and Scripture, legends and poets, history and natural science, which had become to him the chronicles of his house, his family tree. Now he was afraid of nothing, neither of life nor death; everything in the world, all the things in it were words in his vocabulary. He felt he was on an equal footing with the universe. And he was affected by the services for Anna Ivanovna differently than he had been by the services for his mother. Then he had prayed in confusion, fear, and pain. Now he listened to the services as if they were a message addressed to him and concerning him directly. He listened intently to the words, expecting them, like any other words, to have a clear meaning. There was no religiosity in his reverence for the supreme powers of heaven and earth, which he worshipped as his progenitors.

Zhivago is not the only character who feels this growing tension between the collective and the individual -- although he may be the only one who can reflect on it intellectually. For the other characters in the novel, it is the rush and sweep of the forces of war and revolution, of despotism and anarchy, that reveals this tension without understanding that dwells within them all.

Here, Larisa Feodorovna Guishar, known as Lara, ponders the changes happening around her, and her place in them.

She had noticed a sharp change around her recently. Before, there had been obligations of all kinds, sacred duties -- your duty to your country, to the army, to society. But now that the war was lost (and that as the misfortune at the bottom of all the rest) nothing was sacred any more.

Everything had changed suddenly -- the tone, the moral climate; you didn’t know what to think, whom to listen to. As if all your life you had been led by the hand like a small child and suddenly you were on your own, you had to learn to walk by yourself. There was no one around, neither family nor people whose judgment you respected. At such a time you felt the need of committing yourself to something absolute -- life or truth or beauty -- of being ruled by it in place of the man-made rules that had been discarded. You needed to surrender to some such ultimate purpose more fully, more unreservedly than you had ever done in the old familiar, peaceful days, in the old life that was now abolished and gone for good. But in her own case, Lara reminded herself, she had Katenka to fulfill her need for an absolute, her need of a purpose. Now that she no longer had Pasha, Lara would be nothing but a mother, devoting all her strength to her poor orphaned child.

Now, it’s fair to say that I might have been “super-attuned” to this tension between the individual and the collective because I happened to be reading Atlas Shrugged at the same time I was reading Doctor Zhivago (more on Rand’s treatise in a future post), and sometimes the conflicting philosophies underlying the novels just leapt off the page at me.

And through this prism, the collectivist and individualistic aspects of Doctor Zhivago seemed to keep dancing like angry partners before my eyes.

First, the power of the collective:

And so it turned out that only a life similar to the life of those around us, merging with it without a ripple, is genuine life, and that an unshared happiness is not happiness, so that duck and vodka, when they seem to be the only ones in town, are not even duck and vodka. And this was most vexing of all.

Or:

I don’t know whether the people will rise of themselves and advance spontaneously like a tide, or whether everything will be done in the name of the people. Such a tremendous event requires no dramatic proof of its existence. I’ll be convinced without proof. It’s petty to explore causes of titanic events. They haven’t any. It’s only in a family quarrel that you look for beginnings -- after people have pulled each other’s hair and smashed the dishes they rack their brains trying to figure out who started it. What is truly great is without beginning, like the universe. It confronts us as suddenly as if it had always been there or had dropped out of the blue.

But then, often, frustratingly, the power of the individual:

“It was then that untruth came down on our land of Russia. The main misfortune, the root of all the evil to come, was the loss of confidence in the value of one’s own opinion. People imagined that it was out of date to follow their own moral sense, that they must all sing in chorus, and live by other people’s notions, notions that were being crammed down everybody’s throat. And then there arose the power of the glittering phrase, first the Tsarist, then the revolutionary.”

Or:

“Ah, that’s hard to answer. I’ll try to tell you. But it’s strange that I, an ordinary woman, should explain to you, who are so wise, what is happening to human life in general and to life in Russia and why families get broken up, including yours and mine. Ah, it isn’t a matter of individuals, of being alike or different in temperament, of loving or not loving! All customs and traditions, all our way of life, everything to do with home and order, has crumbled into dust into the general upheaval and reorganization of society. The whole human way of life had been destroyed and ruined. All that’s left is the naked human soul stripped to the last shred, for which nothing has changed because it was always cold and shivering and reaching out to its nearest neighbor, as cold and lonely as itself. You and I and like Adam and Eve, the first two people on earth who at the beginning of the world had nothing to cover themselves with -- and now at the end of it we are just as naked and homeless. And you and I are the last remembrance of all that immeasurable greatness which has been created in the world in all the thousands of years between them and us, and it is in memory of all those vanished marvels that we live and love and weep and cling to one another.”

This last passage, I think, may very well be the moral of Pasternak’s tale -- the place where he comes down clearly on one side or the other. Social upheaval and restructuring, ultimately, is irrelevant to the human soul. Empire, republic, soviet, collective -- do any of these matter as much as the human soul that comprises and transcends them all? The individual’s power may come from the variety of ways it organizes itself and its companions into these structures, but those structures are always and forever temporary. It is only the individual that survives.

A Postscript for Atlas Shrugged

I’m sure I’ll get into this when I compose my post on Atlas Shrugged, but it’ll be important to remember some of what happens in Doctor Zhivago in order to place my comments on Atlas Shrugged into a helpful context.

At one point, Zhivago is pressed into providing medical service to a group of revolutionaries. While among them, he has some illustrative conversations with one of them, Anfim Yefimovitch Samdeviatov. Here, Samdeviatov is talking favorably about his father.

“A good firm, I said. Can you hear? A good firm. They made agricultural machinery. It was a corporation. My father was a stockholder.”

“I thought you said he kept an inn,” [Zhivago said].

“He did. That didn’t mean he couldn’t have stock. Very shrewd investments he made, too. He had money in the ‘Giant.’”

“You sound as if you were proud of it.”

“Of my father being shrewd? Of course I am.”

“But what about your socialism?”

“Good Lord, what has that got to do with it? Why on earth should a man, because he is a Marxist, be a drivelling idiot? Marxism is a positive science, a theory of reality, a philosophy of history.”

“Marxism a science? Well, it’s taking a risk, to say the least, to argue about that with a man one hardly knows. However -- Marxism is too uncertain of its ground to be a science. Sciences are more balanced, more objective. I don’t know a movement more self-centered and further removed from the facts than Marxism. Everyone is worried only about proving himself in practical matters, and as for the men in power, they are so anxious to establish the myth of their infallibility that they do their utmost to ignore the truth. Politics doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t like people who don’t care about the truth.”

Samdeviatov took the doctor’s words for the fooling of a witty eccentric. He listened with a smile, and did not contradict him.

I’m a little bit on Samdeviatov’s side here -- especially after having read Atlas Shrugged. Leaving aside the question of whether or not Marxism is a science, what seemed ridiculous to me is the way people in Rand’s novel acted like “drivelling idiots,” slaves to the obtuse philosophies that Rand would have them represent. It made Atlas Shrugged far more a fable than a novel.

Later, Zhivago and Samdeviatov have this exchange, in which Samdeviatov admits that he has continued his private law practice during the revolution. Zhivago asks:

“But what kind of business can there be, these days?”

“Anything you please. Old unfinished deals, business operations, breaches of contract. I’m up to my ears in it.”

“But haven’t all such activities been abolished?”

“Of course they have, nominally. But in practice people are asked to do all sorts of things, sometimes mutually exclusive. There’s the nationalization of all enterprises, but the municipal soviet needs fuel, and the Provincial Economic Council wants transportation. And everyone wants to live. This is a transitional period, when there is still a gap between theory and practice. At a time like this you need shrewd, resourceful people like myself. Blessed is the man who doesn’t see too much. Also an occasional punch on the jaw doesn’t come amiss, as my father used to say. Half the province depends on me for its livelihood. I’ll be dropping in at Varykino about timber one of these days. Not just yet, though. You can’t get there except by horse, and my horse is lame. Otherwise you wouldn’t catch me jolting along on this pile of scrap. Look at the way it crawls. Calls itself a train! I might be useful to you in Varykino. I know those Mikulitsyns of yours inside out.”

“Do you know why we are going there, what we want to do?”

“More or less. I have an idea. Man’s eternal longing to go back to the land. The dream of living by the sweat of your brow.”

“What’s wrong with it? You sound disapproving.”

“It’s naive and idyllic, but why not? Good luck to you. Only I don’t believe in it. It’s utopian. Arts and craftsy!”

“How do you think Mikulitsyn will receive us?”

“He won’t let you in, he’ll drive you out with a broomstick, and he’ll be quite right! He’s in a fine pickle as it is. Idle factories, workers gone, no means of livelihood, no food, and then you turn up. If he murders you, I won’t blame him!”

“There you are. You are a Bolshevik, and yet you yourself don’t deny that what’s going on isn’t life -- it’s madness, an absurd nightmare.”

“Of course it is. But it’s historically inevitable. It has to be gone through.”

“Why is it inevitable?”

“Are you a baby, or are you just pretending? Have you dropped from the moon? Gluttons and parasites sat on the backs of the starving workers and drove them to death, and you imagine things could stay like that? Not to mention all the other forms of outrage and tyranny. Don’t you understand the rightness of the people’s anger, of their desire for justice, for truth? Or do you think a radical change was possible through the Duma, by parliamentary methods, and that we can do without dictatorship?”

“We are talking at cross-purposes, and even if we argued for a hundred years we’d never see eye to eye. I used to be very revolutionary, but now I think that nothing can be gained by brute force. People must be drawn to good by goodness.”

“Are you a baby, or are you just pretending?” is now one of my favorite lines in fiction. In this exchange, it is Samdeviatov, not Zhivago, who has aligned his politics with the realities of human nature -- something Rand seems singularly incapable of doing. In this regard, Atlas Shrugged is idealistic, Doctor Zhivago more practical.

My upcoming post on Atlas Shrugged should be quite a doozy.

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This post first appeared on Eric Lanke's blog, an association executive and author. You can follow him on Twitter @ericlanke or contact him at eric.lanke@gmail.com.

Monday, February 28, 2022

Dragons - Chapter 82 (DRAFT)

The next few hours were a blur. Ruthie must have helped me to my feet. She must’ve helped me back to my office. Offered to call someone: my wife, my doctor, 911, an undertaker -- someone. I must’ve chosen Jenny and this time Ruthie must’ve reached her. At some point Jenny appeared at my door and helped me out of my office, down the gauntlet of the office hallway, into the elevator, down into the parking garage, into her car, out onto the road.

She spoke to me, she must have; she was always speaking to me -- but I must not have answered her. I can remember sitting in the car, leaning pathetically against the window with my coat draped over my head, wanting to die. She must’ve gotten me home and out of the car and upstairs to our bedroom, where she must have helped me get under the bed covers with a tent of pillows over my head, turning off all the lights, lowering the shades, and closing the door.

All these things must have happened because that’s how I found myself a few hours later when I began to swim back to consciousness. Had I slept? I didn’t think so, but it was hard to know. Everything had hurt so bad, my head, the light, my eyes -- I had just curled myself up into a ball and had blocked everything else out.

Now I was feeling somewhat better. I sat up, surprised to find myself still in my work clothes, with my shoes flopped over and on top of each other on the floor. I swung my stocking feet out and sat precariously on the edge of the bed. With a croaking voice, I called out for Jenny.

The bedroom door opened slowly and my wife poked her head into the room.

“Yes?”

“What happened?”

She opened the door fully and stepped into the room. “You had a migraine. Are you feeling better?”

A migraine? Why did that sound familiar?

“Not really,” I said, realizing that there was an emptiness in my belly, but the thought of food was still making me nauseous. “Are you sure? I felt like I was dying.”

“Pretty sure,” she said, coming over and sitting gingerly next to me on the bed. “Both the Internet and the triage nurse agree, based on your symptoms.”

“What’s a triage nurse?” I knew what the Internet was.

“At the clinic,” she said, placing a hand on my back and giving me a gentle rub. “You have an appointment there this afternoon, if you’re feeling up to it.”

It was too much information, coming in too fast. The questions were exploding in my brain the way flashes of light previously had. I closed my eyes.

“What time is it?”

Jenny looked at the bedside clock. “One ten,” she said.

“Fuck,” I said, both believing and not believing it at the same time. “I have a call with Wes Howard at two.”

Even with my eyes closed I could sense the look that Jenny was giving me. “Can’t you reschedule it? Your doctor’s appointment is at three.”

I shook my head. “I can do both.”

Even I didn’t believe that, but there was nothing else that I could say. Like a hundred other things that had happened to me over the past several months, I was just going to have to start juggling another ball. 

“No, you can’t, Alan. You’re going to have to reschedule.”

I leaned into her heavily, and she wrapped her arm around me. “Can you do it for me?” I asked. “Maybe tomorrow afternoon? Or the day after?”

“You want me to call Wes Howard?”

“No,” I said. “The doctor’s appointment. Can’t you reschedule that?”

“Alan.”

“Please! Please, Jenny. Tomorrow, or the day after. I’m going to talk to Wes and then I’m going back to bed. I don’t think I can do anything else today.”

She started to argue with me, trying to convince me with her logic, but, as usual, it was a special kind of Jenny logic which presupposed that she was always right. Throughout our marriage, her arguments had always been presented more to persuade on that essential point, and not necessarily on the merits of any particular point of order. Mentally, I wasn’t up for the sparring match. I knew I would have to do that soon enough with Wes Howard. I gently pushed her away.

“Please. Jenny. Just go make me something small to eat. I think I can eat something small. And then I can talk to Wes. Let’s at least get that done before we attempt anything else.”

I think she would have argued with me some more but, oddly, Jacob came to my rescue, appearing at our door and also asking for something to eat. It made me wonder for the first time where he had been through my whole ordeal. Jenny didn’t bring him to the office, did she? But if she didn’t, where had he been? Jenny hadn’t left him home by himself, had she?

More questions causing more pain. I had to push them away, and gave my wife another gentle shove. Please. Jenny. Go.

Thankfully, she did, taking our son quietly with her, and I gave myself just two more minutes of dark silence, before getting shakily to my feet and getting myself positioned for my phone call at two. I looked in the corner where I usually kept my briefcase, saw that it wasn’t there, and realized that it, along with all my notes for the upcoming leadership meeting were likely back at the office -- my “To Do” list likely still open on my computer screen and my folders haphazardly stacked in the stand-up file I traditionally kept at my elbow.

I considered shouting downstairs to Jenny. Had she grabbed my briefcase and brought it or anything else home with us? But I decided against it, suspecting that shouting was something that would likely put me back in the dark hole I had just emerged from. Then I considered making my way downstairs to look for my briefcase and to ask Jenny about it, but dismissed that idea just as quickly. In my current state, I’d likely trip on the stairs and wind up breaking my neck.

For the first time I realized that the lump of my cell phone was still in my front pants pocket. I pulled it out and sat back down on the edge of the bed. I flipped it open, squinting at the light of its little screen in the dark room, and began hunting through my list of contacts. Was Wes Howard there? Had I ever called him on my cell phone before? I quickly determined that the answer to both questions was no.

I looked up and sighed. I slowly went through my options, while listening to the sounds of Jenny clunk and clatter around in the kitchen. I found a different contact, dialed the number, and pressed the phone against my ear.

“Good afternoon, Ruthie MacDonald speaking.”

“Ruthie. It’s Alan.”

“Alan! Oh my god. How are you?”

“I’m okay,” I said. “Hey, I need you to do me a favor.”

“Where are you?”

“Can you-- What?”

“Where are you?”

“I’m home. I just woke up from a long nap, and realized that I have a call with Wes Howard at two.

“Are you feeling better? Everyone here is very worried about you.”

At first I thought Ruthie was being her usual motherly self, but something about her tone when she said ‘everyone’ made me suspicious.

“Are they?”

“Yes! You gave everyone quite a scare. You looked like you were dying.”

I kept my eyes focused on the fraying laces of my overturned shoes. “I felt like I was dying. But I think I’ve slept it off, whatever it was. You can tell Mary not to worry. I’m still in the land of the living.”

There was a strange silence on the line, and I had to pull the phone away from my ear to make sure I was still connected.

“Ruthie? Are you there.”

“Yes, Alan. I’m glad you’re feeling better. What can I do for you?”

There was that strange tone again, this time on the ‘I’m’. I shook my head to dismiss it, but had to stop when even that made me dizzy.

“I need Wes’s number. I didn’t bring any of my files with me and it’s not in my phone. Can you give it to me?”

“Sure,” she said, as I listened to her fingernails clicking away on her keyboard. “Do you have something to write with?”

“Yes,” I said, holding the phone in the crook of my neck to free up the hands needed to retrieve a notepad and pen from the nightstand. “Go ahead.”

She gave me the number and I wrote it down. “Okay, thanks.” I said.

“Take care of yourself, Alan.”

“Uh huh,” I said, my mind already pivoting to the next phone call I would need to make. “You, too.”

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“Dragons” is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. For more information, go here.

This post first appeared on Eric Lanke's blog, an association executive and author. You can follow him on Twitter @ericlanke or contact him at eric.lanke@gmail.com.

Image Source

http://lres.com/heres-why-amcs-need-to-pay-close-attention-to-looming-regulatory-changes/businessman-in-the-middle-of-a-labyrinth/


Monday, February 21, 2022

House Made of Dawn by N. Scott Momaday

Dypaloh. There was a house made of dawn. It was made of pollen and of rain, and the land was very old and everlasting. There were many colors on the hills, and the plain was bright with different-colored clays and sands. Red and blue and spotted horses grazed the plain, and there was a dark wilderness on the mountains beyond. The land was still and strong. It was beautiful all around.

Abel was running. He was alone and running, hard at first, heavily, but then easily and well. The road curved out in front of him and rose away in the distance. He could not see the town. The valley was gray with rain, and snow lay out upon the dunes. It was dawn. The first light had been deep and vague in the mist, and then the sun flashed and a great yellow glare fell under the cloud. The road verged upon clusters of juniper and mesquite, and he could see the black angles and twists of wood beneath the hard white crust; there was a shine and glitter on the ice. He was running, running. He could see the horses in the fields and the crooked line of the river below.

For a time the sun was whole beneath the cloud; then it rose into eclipse, and a dark and certain shadow came upon the land. And Abel was running. He was naked to the waist, and his arms and shoulders had been marked with burnt wood and ashes. The cold rain slanted down upon him and left his skin mottled and streaked. The road curved out and lay into the bank of rain beyond, and Abel was running. Against the winter sky and the long, light landscape of the valley at dawn, he seemed to be standing still, very little and alone.

This is how Momaday’s novel begins. I had to look up Dypaloh. It is from the storytelling tradition of the Jemez, a Native American tribe in the Southwest that built many of the pueblos tourists can now visit. “Dypaloh” is how their storytellers begin their stories, much like storytellers of a different tradition might say “Once upon a time.”

Abel, like Momaday, is a Native American, and House Made of Dawn is a story that focuses on Abel’s alienation, both from the world of his ancestral traditions, and from the ever-encroaching world of modern life. He belongs in neither place, and the metaphoric running with which Momaday opens the novel, is revealed in its closing paragraphs to have ritualistic significance as well.

Abel did not return to his grandfather’s house. He walked hurriedly southward along the edge of town. At the last house he paused and took off his shirt. His body was numb and ached with cold, and he knelt at the mouth of the oven. He reached inside and placed his hands in the frozen crust and rubbed his arms and chest with ashes. And he got up and went on hurriedly to the road and south on the wagon road in the darkness. There was no sound but his own quick, even steps on the hard crust of the snow, and he went on and on, far out on the road.

The pale light grew upon the land, and it was only a trick of the darkness at first, the slow stirring and standing away of the night; and then the murky, leaden swell of light upon the snow and the dunes and the black evergreen spines. And the east deepened into light above the black highland, soft and milky and streaked with gray. He was almost there, and he saw the runners standing away in the distance.

He came along to them, and they huddled in the cold together, waiting, and the pale light before the dawn rose up in the valley. A single cloud lay over the world, heavy and still. It lay out upon the black mesa. Smudging out the margin and spilling over the lee. But at the saddle there was nothing. There was only the clear pool of eternity. They held their eyes upon it, waiting, and, too slow and various to see, the void began to deepen and to change: pumice, and pearl, and mother-of-pearl, and the pale and brilliant blush of orange and of rose. And then the deep hanging rim ran with fire and the sudden cold flare of dawn struck upon the arc, and the runners sprang away.

The soft and sudden sound of their going, swift and breaking away all at once, startled him, and he began to run after them. He was running, and his body cracked open with pain, and he was running on. He was running and there was no reason to run but the running itself and the land and the dawn appearing. The sun rose up in the saddle and shone in shafts upon the road across the snow-covered valley and the hills, and the chill of the night fell away and it began to rain. He saw the slim black bodies of the runners in the distance, gliding away without sound through the slanting light and the rain. He was running and a cold sweat broke out upon him and his breath heaved with the pain of running. His legs buckled and he fell in the snow. The rain fell around him in the snow and he saw his broken hands, how the rain made streaks upon them and dripped soot upon the snow. And he got up and ran on. He was alone and running on. All of his being was concentrated in the sheer motion of running on, and he was past caring about the pain. Pure exhaustion laid hold of his mind, and he could see at least without having to think. He could see the canyon and the mountains and the sky. He could see the rain and the river and the field beyond. He could see the dark hills at dawn. He was running, and under his breath he began to sing. There was no sound, and he had no voice; he had only the words of a song. And he went running on the rise of the song. House made of pollen, house made of dawn. Qtsedaba.

The novel begins and ends in the same place. And “Qtsedaba” is another word from Jemez storytelling tradition, signalling the end of a tale. By enclosing his novel in this form, Momaday, like his character Abel, seems to be trying to bridge two worlds -- in Momaday’s case, the tradition of oral storytelling handed down by his ancestors with the English-language tradition of the written novel.

Some of this I had to look up on the Internet, seeing as though I knew nothing about Momaday and House Made of Dawn before picking it up. No wait, I take that back. I knew one thing about it: it won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction in 1969, the only reason it had found its way onto my reading list.

My own reaction to it was more cryptic. Before looking into its backstory, I would have characterized it as an evocative novel, less about people and plot and more about emotion and loss. Even the title seemed obscure to me. A “house made of dawn” is mentioned several times in the novel, but I could never quite wrap my mind around what it was or what it might represent. The light framed by a mesa? A peyote dream? A song of one’s ancestors? That which had been lost? It seems to be all of these things at once, and something that seemed meant more to be felt than understood.

But perhaps I was wrong about that. There is a surprisingly lucid description of its plot on its Wikipedia entry, giving one the impression that it is clearer and better paced than I remember it being. Yes, sure, all those things you describe happened in the novel, but they did not seem to make the same kind of impression on my recollection than they perhaps would have in a more traditional novel.

And, evidently, I am not alone. The same Wikipedia entry lists several critical appraisals of the novel, in which the critics, while acknowledging Momaday’s talent, recognize the singular challenge he has set for himself: “attempting to transliterate Indian culture, myth, and sensibility into an alien art form, without loss.”

Yeah, I guess that could be it. I didn’t have the context to understand what Momaday was attempting, nor, it may seem, the awareness needed to pull the myths Momaday is expounding through the very filter through which he has chosen to transmit them. In other words, House Made of Dawn is an oral Native American story told through an written Anglo American form. No wonder something got lost in translation.

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This post first appeared on Eric Lanke's blog, an association executive and author. You can follow him on Twitter @ericlanke or contact him at eric.lanke@gmail.com.

Monday, February 14, 2022

Dragons - Chapter 81 (DRAFT)

I tried to focus on my work. In times past, work was always a kind of refuge for me. A thing I could do where progress could always be made. Even if it was nothing more than entering numbers in a spreadsheet, editing an article for our newsletter, or sending out a batch of emails and tracking the responses that came back -- they were all definable and executable tasks, boxes to check, steps to advance, goals to achieve.

But now there were so many things on my plate that there was no real refuge to be found. I kept a document on my computer desktop that served as my on-going “To Do” list, and as I opened it that morning I remember it spanning more than four pages of single-spaced 12-point type. Some of it was organized by project category, but much of it wasn’t. A whole extra page had just been added, representing the immediate tasks that Gerald had left behind, unceremoniously given to me in the same manner I had inherited items from Michael, and before that from Susan. 

It seemed like the first thing I should do was go through Gerald’s list and try to organize it and then prioritize it, line it up by project against the projects I already had and try to decide how to cadence them all in a way that the most pressing things got done first. But that seemed overwhelming to me, so I picked something simple off my existing list and began tackling that, far preferring to get something, anything checked off rather than try to comprehend the totality of the challenge I was facing.

As I worked, keystrokes and mouse clicks the only sound emanating from my workspace, I kept noticing a kind of glitch on my monitor. There was a little fuzzy patch on the screen. Any set of characters that tried to penetrate it got smudged beyond recognition. But the phenomenon was fleeting in a strange kind of way. When I tried to focus my attention on it, it seemed to slide off to  the side, but still there, wiggling and wavering in my peripheral vision.

I looked up and away from the monitor, and realized it wasn’t a computer malfunction at all. Staring up into empty space, it was still there, stuck against my blank office wall. And, frighteningly, when I closed my eyes, it was even still there, seemingly projected against the dark insides of my eyelids. Worse, it seemed to be getting bigger, now curving down into a tremendous crescent that obscured fully a fourth of my optical field.

What the fuck? Was I having a stroke? A brain aneurysm?

I got up from my desk, and had to steady myself. I was dizzy and I had a headache. I left my office and began making my way down the hall, trailing my hand along one wall to keep myself on course and eventually made it to the office restrooms, glad that one of the single, unisex rooms was unoccupied. Not knowing who might have seen my awkward journey nor what they might have thought about it, I closed and locked the door behind me and made my clumsy way over to the mirror.

I tried to look at myself, tried to look into my own eye, convinced that there would be the bright red splotch of broken blood vessels there, but the visual distortion was now so great that I couldn’t see anything clearly. I was dizzier than ever, and I fumbled and stumbled my way over to the toilet and sat down on its lowered seat.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head as gently as I could against the cold tile wall next to the toilet. I still had no idea what was happening to me, but was now too disoriented and experiencing too much nausea to seriously contemplate any wild speculations. The shimmery waves of light and shadow continued to pulse and surge in the darkness of my tortured solitude, and I began to lose all sense of my body in space. Was I sitting upright? Was I laying down? Was I spinning helplessly through yawning space? I couldn’t really tell, but I was suspecting more and more that it was the latter.

An intense way of nausea hit me and nearly vomited. Without opening my eyes -- it was too bright and painful to even open them a crack -- I slid myself down onto the floor between the wall and the toilet, pushed the seat up, and hung my head into the bowl. Without willing it, I started to retch -- once, twice, three times, each heave causing bright bursts of pain in my throat, in my neck, at my temples, and across the top of my head, but nothing but flimsy strands of mucus came up and into my mouth. When the retching was finished, I tried spitting them into the toilet bowl, but left most of the expulsion hanging off my chin and bottom lip.

I was dying. I had never experienced anything like this before, had no idea what it was, and found myself reasonably convinced that I was dying. The unisex bathroom was going to be my final resting place. Eventually, someone would have to break down the door and cart my mortal remains away.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. “Hello?” an unrecognizable voice said. “Is somebody in there?”

“I’ll be out in a minute!” I heard my own voice respond, exactly as if things were normal, as if it was simply the custodian, checking to see that the room was unoccupied before coming in to clean it.

I didn’t bother listening for the person -- whoever it was -- to knock or speak again. I didn’t even want to think about the fact that I was at the office, and that at some point, assuming I didn’t actually die, I would have to go back out there and face a group of mostly strangers and antagonists with my own overwhelming and undisclosed weakness. I suddenly had a vision of myself laying prostrate in front of Mary, fluids leaking from my orifices, begging her to help me, for the love of God, to call an ambulance.

Fuck that. I remembered the cell phone in my pocket. I wasn’t able to do anything with it, but I remembered it was there. If I should start to feel better, I realized, I might be able to pull it out of my pocket, call Jenny, and ask her to come get me. But how would she get me? She couldn’t come here and carry me out. I’d have to find a way to crawl downstairs without anyone seeing me. Crawl down to the parking garage and get in her car. I could do that. Couldn’t I?

All this thinking was making things worse. I dry heaved again, and then rested my head on the lip of the toilet bowl. Willing my worrying brain to be silent, and focusing only on pulsing flashes that continued unabated on the inside of my eyelids, I zoned out, marking neither the passage of time nor my chances for a positive outcome.

Slowly, imperceptibly, the symptoms began to abate. At some point, I was able to open my eyes a bit, and could actually make out objects in the center of my vision and at the appropriate focal length. Experimentally, I lifted my head up and leaned myself back against the bathroom wall. I looked at my watch, trying to get a sense of how much time had passed, but since I didn’t mark the time I came in, it was difficult to come up with a precise estimate. Twenty minutes maybe? Surely no more than a half hour.

Now I did fish my phone out of my pants pocket. Flipping it open and squinting at it with one partially-opened eye, I pushed the necessary buttons to make my home phone ring. I placed it against my ear and waited patiently for Jenny to answer.

After four rings, our home answering machine picked up. I hung up on my end, and made the difficult dialing maneuver again. I got four more rings, and then the click of the answering machine picking up again.

Okay. Fine. I’m going to have to do this myself, then. I can do it. At least I think I can.

I did not move for at least ten more minutes. By that time I could hold both eyes partially open, and felt strong enough to push myself back up to my feet. This I shortly accomplished, and weakly made my way over to the sink. I splashed some water on my face. I dried my hands on some paper towels. I straightened my shirt as best I could.

Here goes.

I had only one objective in mind. Make it back to my office. Once there, I would re-evaluate my next step. Thinking too far ahead felt paralyzing. It was simpler, and somehow more achievable, if I only attempted one thing at a time.

Slowly, I opened the bathroom door. The light was even brighter outside and at first I had to shrink away from it. But I pushed myself forward. Thankfully, there was no one in the short corridor immediately outside the restrooms, and I used that space to carefully regulate my gait so that I could make it down the major thoroughfare without attracting any attention.

Or so I thought.

“Alan?” It was Ruthie. I was having trouble holding my head up, but I recognized the blouse and flouncy skirt. “Alan, are you all right?”

“No,” I said, seeing no reason to lie, and no reason to stop my forward progress. “No, I’m not feeling well. I’m going home.”

She reversed direction and began walking beside me. I felt her grip on my arm as I stumbled into the wall and stopped. Goddammit, the lights were just too bright out here. When I cracked my eyes open even a little, it felt like lightning shooting into my brain. Another wave of dizziness overcame me, and, like a marionette with its strings cut, I crumpled to the floor.

“Alan!” I heard Ruthie say, but I did my best to block her out, too. Even the sound of her voice hurt, and it felt like the only way to respond was to try and crawl inside my own navel. In my misery, I was no longer worried that I was going to die. More than anything else, I pathetically hoped that someone would kill me.

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“Dragons” is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. For more information, go here.

This post first appeared on Eric Lanke's blog, an association executive and author. You can follow him on Twitter @ericlanke or contact him at eric.lanke@gmail.com.

Image Source

http://lres.com/heres-why-amcs-need-to-pay-close-attention-to-looming-regulatory-changes/businessman-in-the-middle-of-a-labyrinth/